Missing My Dad

There are some days when I wake up with a longing to speak to my father. He has dementia and doesn't even know me anymore. There are so many things I want to share with him. I want to tell him about the things that happen in my life here in Taiwan. I want to send him pictures of my family and his granddaughter. I just want to tell him jokes or funny stories and hear his goofy laugh again. It's been about three years since I've been back to see my parents. The last time I saw my dad he was at the half way point. I went back with my daughter for two weeks and saw for myself what my sister had been talking about. It was sad to look in his eyes and see him, but he didn't see me. During my time back home, I drove him around the city and sat with him at Bob Evans. He told me the same stories over and over again. He ate snack after snack, forgetting that he had just eaten. He went to the restroom and forgot to close his pants. Someone had stolen my father and replaced him with a replica. Every night of my stay I would call back home and cry to my husband. He didn't get it and thought I was being dramatic. In my mind I felt like my father was packing for a trip and I didn't know where he was going. Now he is there, in the state of dementia and I don't think he's ever coming back. I feel awful sometimes because I wish it had been my mother who got sick. She's always had a love for hospitals. She has spent probably a total of three years of her life in and out of hospitals for various ailments. She wanted to be sick. She wanted to have someone wipe her ass. Not my dad. He was always proud, strong, and determined. I love both my parents, but I still wish it had been my mother. Today is one of those days when I wish I could just wake up from this nightmare and call my father on the phone. I still harbor this secret desire that he's going to call me up and tell me that he's been faking it for the past few years. He always had a weird sense of humor. I really just want him back.
Gotta get down to work. My husband will be home from work soon and I've got an early start.